Personal Excerpts

I thought I will accept this job and go inside the institution, to change it from within. But now I realize that the institution is inside of me and is killing me slowly from the inside.

Since then I am waiting for a chance to turn a bad experience into a good one.
This situation was interesting, as it seemed to position itself as being critical, but it could not be critical of itself.

You have to develop a practice including others in thinking: what is the format, how do I want to raise me voice in it, where am I going to sleep, how am I going to travel there, how am I going to work with others.
This decision, to be honest, to take part in this project was taken unconsciously.
There is a certain exploitative structure, which is dominant, and we all are participating.

She brought it up first: We have to think about, if we get less money, how do we work differently.

You will be in this project, till the end of the world. It doesn't matter, what you contribute to the project, you are there.

It's a perfect repetition of the problems that are within each body.
Does it make sense to take these questions as a blue print and work through them differently? Because that can be also enough of a critique?
So, where would we have to start, to not say: You are invited to participate, but please also make a part of the program. () To come to a point, which is not exploiting ourselves and the people, we are working with. How to work with art that is not always reproducing these exploitive patterns.
Maybe the narrative should still be the most important thing, cause this is, what can carry things out or it can carry things through.
Where I think, it could still be interesting to find a format that can articulate things like frustration or feeling not welcome and not only criticizing something on a theoretical and intellectual level.

Maybe this would be useful, if we talk about embodiment. We received an information, saying: Make a reading group, let them read and discuss the text. And we said: Wow, wow wait. Do we tell these people: Please read this and come to us? Why? Why should they do that? We felt, we can not tell them: Look we need a reading group, because this it the system. We need a reading group, because we take part somewhere else. () I think, the stress was then put on the question: Do you think, this is also important for you?

We really feel this need to escape the formats that are already so exploited, that are not productive any more. Those formats that don't contribute anymore to individuals. That just contribute to the general idea.
We are passing sort of crisis in our thinking about the final effect of it.

My first and personal idea was just to transform my bad experience in something positive.
I felt so ashamed and guilty, when I was forced at my institution to tell people: That these are the conditions of my work. They wanted me to make accounts all the time, just to look for good chairs for the show, write good press releases and the rest was neglected. I felt ridiculised with my needs.
I want to intervene, before I reproduce the wrong institution. If we just continue doing it the way we do, then we produce something, we don't feel happy with in the end. And I personally think, this is what you get tired from. I am tired of repeating the same.

How little is required to make a situation that is not just undefined, but to make it a common situation? The preparation needs to be so little, that really it is a common situation responding to a certain urgency.